Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
