I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
