some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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