i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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