Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
