I just pynch a tree in the face
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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