Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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