woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
tell me about the eggs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
