I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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