Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
