I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
