she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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