Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I've blown a few things in my day
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
