He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
