I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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