put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
