Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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