you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
