he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
