His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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