this beer tastes like vomit already
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
