Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
