you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
