This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
