I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
