My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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