I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
