Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
