Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
