I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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