Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
