I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
