im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
