Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
