C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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