I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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