trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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