This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
