My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
