There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I currently don't understand fingers.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
