Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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