you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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