I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
