one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
