She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
