Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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