You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
