Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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