I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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