failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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