Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
