Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
