I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
