chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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